Nicole Kidman Wakes Up 'Crying and Gasping' Thinking About Her Mortality

Nicole Kidman is getting candid about mortality and grief.

The Babygirl actress, 57, shared in a new interview with GQ published Monday, November 18, that she has opened herself up to feeling emotions, rather than shutting them off, as she has embraced her 50s.

Kidman said her emotions are “even more” close to the surface in her mid-50s.

“Mortality. Connection. Life coming and hitting you,” she described some of the things she feels more intensely than ever. “And [the] loss of parents and raising children and marriage and all of the things that go into making you a fully sentient human. I’m in all of those places. So life is, whew. It’s definitely a journey.” (Kidman shares daughters Sunday Rose, 16, and Faith Margaret, 13, with husband Keith Urban. She is also a mom to daughter Bella, 31, and son Connor, 29, whom she shares with ex-husband Tom Cruise.)

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Kidman continued, “And it hits you as you get older how … it’s a wake up at 3 a.m. crying and gasping kind of thing. If you’re in it and not numbing yourself to it. And I’m in it. Fully in it.”

The Oscar winner recently mourned the death of her mother, Janelle, at the age of 84 in September, prompting her to leave the Venice International Film Festival early to return home to Australia.

“Today I arrived in Venice to find out shortly after, that my beautiful, brave mother Janelle Ann Kidman has just passed,” Babygirl director Halina Reijn read a statement on Kidman’s behalf after she won best actress at the festival. “I am in shock and I have to go to my family, but this award is for her, she shaped me, she guided me and she made me.”

Antonia, Janelle and Nicole Kidman.

The statement continued, “I am beyond grateful that I get to say her name to all of you through Halina, the collision of life and art is heartbreaking, and my heart is broken.”

In October, Kidman opened up about her grief over her mom while attending the Los Angeles premiere of Lioness season 2.

“It’s been hard. It’s a hard road. I’m hanging in there,” she said.

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The actress admitted it was bittersweet to be celebrating her career success without her mother around to share it.

“I wish my mama was here,” Nicole told the outlet. “That’d be the one thing I’d say. Everything is great with work but I wish my mama was here.”